Two blondes living in Indiana were sitting on a bench one evening,looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther away........Florida or the moon?

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?

Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close bothlids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely,
The Dog

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table andlooks into his small bowl which is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?", he squeaks.

Father Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Mother Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells: "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

"It was Mother Bear who got up first, it was Mother Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mother Bear who made the coffee, it was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mother Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mother Bear who set the damn table, it was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mother Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence!

"Listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I HAVEN'T MADE THE !*@*!*@ PORRIDGE YET!!!

A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

"That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Three old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, opened his trench coat and exposed himself.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

And then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and feebler, bless her heart, couldn't reach that far.

DID you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour said: "Are you going to help?"

"No" I said, "six should be enough."

A guy and his girlfriend were making love in the back of his van when all of a sudden she shouted at him to whip her.

"Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex you have ever had" she screamed.

So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping her with it.

Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look at some infected cuts that she had on her back.

The doctor said: "These are really badly infected. I bet you got them making wild passionate love didn't you?''

"Yes" she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.

"Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen'.'