Stupid Sport Quotes:

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised."
(Ian McNail — Football)

"This is really a lovely horse; I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh — Horse Racing Commentator)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite."
(Murray Walker — F1 Motor racing Commentator)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country."
(Ian Rush — Footballer)

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."
(John Arlott — Cricket Commentator)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett — Footballer)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker — F1 Motor racing Commentator)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Greg Norman — Golfer)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing — but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter - Boxer)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball."
(John Francombe — Jockey)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Terry Venables — Football Coach)

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival."
(Noel O'Mahoney, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson — Footballer)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it — you can see it all over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson — Footballer)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
(Ron Atkinson — Football Coach)

On Tony Adamson's alcoholism: "It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up."
(Ian Wright — Footballer)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got 11 Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio)

" . . . and later we'll have action from the men's cockless pairs."
(Sue Barker — Commentating on Rowing)

"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."
(David Coleman — Athletics)

Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that."
Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that."

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."
(Ruud Gullit — Football Coach)

"Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson — Football Coach)

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip."
(John Motson — Football Commentator)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
(Mark Draper — Aston Villa)

"There goes Juan Torera down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them — Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(US TV commentator)

"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's."
(David Coleman at the start of Match of the Day)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers."
(Murray Walker)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
(Stuart Pearce)

"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square."
(Trevor Bailey)

"Watch the time — it gives you an indication of how fast they are running."
(Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect."
(Ted Lowe)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right."
(Marion Starling)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge."
(John Snagge, covering The Boat Race)

"Lara's chanced his arm, and it's come off."
(Brian Johnston)

"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand."
('Whispering' Ted Lowe)

"A brain scan revealed Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin."
(Jo Sheldon)

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact, I'm right behind him."
(Stuart Pearson)

"There's going to be a real ding dong when the bell goes."
(David Coleman)

"We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought."
(Bobby Robson, after playing Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup finals)

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad I won rather than lost."
(Frank Bruno)

T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience. "If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say: "Red is positive". "Black is negative".

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat She said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by ten whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."