Little Johnny & April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

Only a West Virginian could think of this ... from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) - flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!!!

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So,the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the
computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 January 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

A Letter from a farm kid now at the San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to
tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't
move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once.

He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Carol

10 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

10. Why do people call a water heater a "HOT" water heater? If it was hot water then why would you be heating it???

Blonde's Year In Review:

JANUARY -- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

FEBRUARY -- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels . . . . "duh" . . . . bottles won't fit in typewriter.

MARCH -- Got excited . . . . finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months . . . . the box said "2-4 years".

APRIL -- Trapped on escalator for hours . . . . power went out.

MAY -- Tried to make Kool-Aid . . . . 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

JUNE -- Tried t go water skiing . . . . couldn't find a lake with a slope.

JULY -- Lost breast stroke swimming competition . . . . learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

AUGUST -- Got locked out of car in rain storm . . . . car swamped because the top was down.

SEPTEMBER -- The capital of California is "C" . . . . isn't it?

OCTOBER -- I hate M & M's . . . . they are so hard to peel.

NOVEMBER -- Baked a turkey for 4 1/2 days . . . . instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108.

DECEMBER -- Couldn't call 911 . . . . "duh" . . . . there's no "eleven" button on the phone.

World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl
said,"NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

One night a man walked into the bedroom where his wife was sleeping while holding a sheep under his arm. While standing at the foot of the bed the man said, "See Honey, this is the pig I have sex with when I'm not having sex with you."
His wife rolled over, looked at him and commented, "That's great Dear, but I think you will find that is a sheep and not a pig."
The husband promptly replied, "Thank you, but I think you will find that I wasn't talking to you!"

A guy was in the military training to be a paratrooper and was telling his buddy about his first jump.
"The jump master was this big black guy. I mean he was probably 6' 8" and stocky, not someone you wanted to mess with. Well, as we started taking off I was a little nervous but the higher we went the more nervous I got. After we reached the target jump point everybody started bailing out but I just couldn't do it. Finally the jump master came to me and said, 'Boy, if you don't jump I going to ram eight inches of cock up your ass!'."
The friend asked, "Did you jump?"
"Well, only a little at first," he replied.

1. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

2. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

3. A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

4. When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

5. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

6. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

7. A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

8. Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

9. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

10. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

11. Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

12. First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

13. A Woman's Prayer Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll just beat him to death.

14. Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

Two blondes living in Indiana were sitting on a bench one evening,looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther away........Florida or the moon?

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?

Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close bothlids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely,
The Dog

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table andlooks into his small bowl which is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?", he squeaks.

Father Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Mother Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells: "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

"It was Mother Bear who got up first, it was Mother Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mother Bear who made the coffee, it was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mother Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mother Bear who set the damn table, it was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mother Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence!

"Listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I HAVEN'T MADE THE !*@*!*@ PORRIDGE YET!!!

A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

"That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Three old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, opened his trench coat and exposed himself.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

And then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and feebler, bless her heart, couldn't reach that far.

DID you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour said: "Are you going to help?"

"No" I said, "six should be enough."

A guy and his girlfriend were making love in the back of his van when all of a sudden she shouted at him to whip her.

"Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex you have ever had" she screamed.

So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping her with it.

Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look at some infected cuts that she had on her back.

The doctor said: "These are really badly infected. I bet you got them making wild passionate love didn't you?''

"Yes" she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.

"Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen'.'

An elephant asks a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well," says the camel, "I think it is a strange question coming from somebody whose dick is on his face."