A traveling salesman comes up on this farm. He decides to try and sell a new television to the farmer that lives there. When he reaches the door he knocks and a lady opens the door.

"Good afternoon miss. Is the man of the house in?" asked the salesman.

"It don't matter none," replied the woman. "I make all of the decisions around here and I've decided we're getting an automatic milker."

"Well, is your husband home? I would still like to at least speak with him for a moment."

"Yeah, he's behind the barn over yonder." she said as she pointed in the direction of the barn.

The salesman walked to the barn and as he walked he noticed acres and acres of wheat fields. He rounds the corner and finds the old farmer tinkering with his tractor in the barn with only one cow inside. The salesman looked around and saw no place for any other cows.

"Excuse me sir. I'm a traveling salesman and I would like to talk to you about purchasing our latest television set." the salesman said to the farmer.

"Ah. Well, save your breath young man. My wife and I are saving our money to buy an automatic milker." the farmer replied.

The salesman looked around for a minute and then said, "Not to be rude but I only see one cow. Why would you need an automatic milker for just one cow?"

"Well," started the farmer, "the other morning I was out here trying to milk ol' bessie and she kept stepping on my foot. So, I tied her right down so she couldn't do it again."

"Ok," said the salesman, "but I'm stil not seeing the need for this automatic milker."

The farmer continued his story. "Well, after I tied that foot down, she reached back and kicked me in my balls with her other foot so I had to tie her left foot down then."

"It sounds to me like you got the problem solved. Why would you want to spend all that money on an automatic milker?"

"Beacause, after I tied her other foot down, she slapped me in the face with her tail. I was forced to tie a rope from her tail to her head to get the tail out of my face."

Well, I'm still not seeing your need for this automated milker."

"Well, lets just say that about that time that I finished getting that cow all tied up my wife walked into the barn. Now, if you can sell her on the idea that all I was really doing was trying to milk that cow then son, I will buy your television."

One evening a husband comes home very late in the morning. He is hoping that his wife is asleep and won't notice what time it is. Luck is not on his side as his wife is sitting at the dining room table waiting.

"Just where the hell have you been?" yelled the angry wife.

"Well, I'm not going to lie to you. I was out getting a tatoo," replied the husband.

"A tatoo?" exclaimed his surprised spouse.

"Yeah, a tatoo. I got a tatoo of a hundred dollar bill on my dick."

"Why would you do such a thing?"

"Well," replied the husband, "this way I can watch my money grow. And sometimes I like to play with my money. Plus, from now on instead of going to the mall all the damn time you can stay here at home and blow a hundred dollars."