A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in midswing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

A Texan and Harvard graduate found themselves sitting on a train next to one another. Not to seem unfriendly, the Texan decided to strike up a conversation.

"Where are you from?" asked the Texan.

The Harvard grad replied, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

The Texan was a bit put off by this comment but not to be out done he tried again. "OK - So, where are you from, jackass?"

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?”

There were these two guys that boarded the same train headed to Pittsburgh. It turned out that the two men had seats next to one another. The first man found his seat and sat down. When the second man arrived at his seat the first man noticed that he had a black eye. The first thought this was an amazing coincidence because he too had a black eye. Once both men were seated the second man turned to the first and said, "Hey buddy, what happened to you?" and motioned to his black eye almost as if he was reading the first man's mind.

The first man replied, "I had a slip of the tongue."

"Really? What did you say?" asked the second man.

"Well, did you see the girl behind the counter selling the tickets for the train?"

"Yeah I saw her. What does she have to do with this?"

"She has enormous knockers. And when I went to go buy my ticket instead of saying I wanted a tickets for Pittsburgh I slipped and said Titts-burgh. She reached across the counter and punched me right in my eye. So now I have this black eye. So what happened to you?"

The second man looked at the first and said, "Yeah I had a slip of the tongue too. This morning while sitting at the table I meant to say to my wife, 'Hey honey would pass me the cereal.' but instead I slipped and said, 'You sorry bitch, you fucking ruined my life.'"

This man boarded a plane for a buisiness trip. The man was seated next to a young lady. At first the man took little notice of the lady as he was happily married and had no desire to look at other women. Shortly after sitting down in his seat the woman sneezed. The man politely said, "Bless you," to the young lady. She thanked the man and pulled a kleenex out of her bag. Out of the corner of his eye the man saw her wipe her crotch with the kleenex. Sure that he has seen that wrong the man dismissed the incident.

A few mintues later the lady sneezed again. Again, the man said, "Bless you," to the lady and again she thanked him. Once more the man saw out of the corner of his eye the woman grab a kleenex and wipe her crotch. Convinced at what he saw he thought that he would watch more closely the next time she sneezed just to make sure.

Sure enough, it wasn't too much longer before the woman sneezed again. The man offered the same courtesy to the lady as before and again she thanked him. This time the man subtly watched as he witnessed the woman grab a kleenex and wipe her crotch for the thrid time.

Confused by what he saw he turned to the lady and asked, "Excuse me ma'am. Not to be rude but I was curious why after every time you sneeze you wipe your crotch?"

Obviously embarrassed, the woman turned to the man and said, "Well, you see I have this rare condition that every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.

This totally surprised the man. Then he asked, "Wow, that's amazing. Is there any thing you can take for that?"

The woman smiled and replied, "Yeah, pepper."

One day this man walked into a gun store and told the shop owner that he was looking a good, powerful scope. The store owner walked over to a case, pulled out a scope and set it on the counter. He looked at the customer and said, "This here is the latest thing in scope technology. With this scope you can see two miles away just as if you were standing 10 feet from your target."

The customer looked at the shop owner with a look of disbelief. The owner picked up on this look and told the man, "Look, if you don't believe me you are welcome to see for yourself. You see that house over there on top of that hill?" And he pointed out the window at this house in the distance. "That house is almost 2 miles away and if take this scope you can see that house and it will look like you are standing right outside it's door."

The man grabbed the scope, put it to his eye, and focused it on the house the owner was pointing out. After a few seconds the man laughed and said, "Wow, you weren't lying. I can see everything that's going on in that house."

"You mean there is someone there?" asked the store owner.

"Yeah," said the man, "there is some really hot blonde running around naked and she is being chased by this guy. And he is naked too."

The owner asked for the scope and he peered through it's powerful lense to see what the other man had just described. Sure enough the owner saw two naked people chasing one another through the bedroom. The owner set down the scope, looked at his customer and made him a deal. "Look, I'll give you this scope for free if you do something for me."

The man looked at the price tag on the scope and saw that it was priced at nearly $7,000. Enticed by the idea of getting such a nice scope for free the man asked, "Sure, what could I do for you?"

"You see, that house up there is mine and that "hot" blonde you saw is my wife. If you will take this scope, these two bullets," and the owner sets two bullets on the counter, "and use one to blow that bastard's dick off and the other to blast that slut's head into a million pieces I will let you have the scope for free."

The man contemplated the deal and then asked to see the scope again. The owned handed him the scope and the man lifted it to his eye. After a minute the man remarked, "Shit, this will be easier than I thought. If I hurry I can do this with only one bullet."

This is a true story ripped out of the headlines in a Georgia newspaper

One evening while driving down a small country road this intoxicated man passed a pumpkin field. As he passed the field it was reported that he stated thinking, "hmm...pumpkins are all moist and squishy inside." He got this idea and pulled his car off to the side of the road. The man stumbled out of the car and into the pumpkin patch.

After a few minutes of looking the man found what he felt was the "right" one for him. He proceeded to cut a small hole out of the side of the pumpkin and insert his dick into this pumpkin.

Wrapped up in fucking this pumpkin, the man didn't notice the Georgia State Trooper car pull up behind his car on the side of the road. The female officer got out of her cruiser to investigate. As she approached the individual from the rear she stated that "he was really going to town on that thing."

Once she got directly behind the man and he was still totally unaware of her presence the female officer remarked, "Sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The man slowly turned around to see the trooper staring at him. The man was still holding the pumpkin in it's original position. The man stared the officer directly in the face and replied, "You mean it's midnight already?"

The man was then arrested and charged with several things.