One day a man walked up to his wife and told her she had three options of things to do and that she had to do one of them. The wife asked what were her three options. The husband replied, "1 - You can go hunting with me. 2 - You can give me a blow job. or 3 - You can let me fuck you up the ass."

The wife thought for a mintue and then said, "Well, you know how much I hate hunting so that option is right out the door. Then, the last time you fucked me in my ass it hurt sooo bad that I'm not just about to let you do that again. So, I guess my only option is to give you a blow job."

The husband smiled as he unzipped his pants. The wife fell to her knees and pulled out his cock and started sucking. She had only been sucking on his dick for a few seconds when she stopped, looked up at him and said, "Goddamn, you dick tastes like shit!"

The husband looked down at his wife and replied, "Yeah I know, the dog didn't want to go hunting either."

Late one summer night a cab driver was doing his shift out near the local airport. He was lloking for a fare when out of a shadow he saw a figure motion for a ride. The cabbie pulled up to the curb and instantly the door opened and a rider jumped in the backseat. The driver looked and found his fare was a woman dressed only in a long fur coat. The driver was shocked and aroused. "Where to?" he asked never taking his eyes off the rearview mirror.

The attractive woman told him her destination and in the blink of an eye they were off.

After a short while it occurred to the driver that the woman might not have the money to pay her tab since all that she had on was the fur coat. The man looked in the mirror back at his passenger and asked, "Excuse me Miss for asking, but how do you intend to pay for this ride? I occurred to me that you don't have a purse and your lack of apparel means that you don't exactly have a lot of pockets to carry cash. I mean, this is a nice trip that you needing and the fare will be a bit high so I don't want to drive out there if I'm gonna get stiffed."

Not surprised by the question, the lady replied, "I thought you might ask me that. And I do intend to pay you so don't worry."

The driver, still looking back at the lady said, "I don't mean to offend you but for my own knowledge I would like to see just what you plan on paying me with."

The lady then propped her feet up on the front seat of the cab, spread her legs apart, and then slide the fur coat open. "How's this look to ya?" she asked.

The cab driver replied, "That's nice ma'am, but do you have something smaller?"

During the summer a man and his wife take their young son to the zoo. They walk around and look at all the animals and such. Finally they come to the elephants. While watching the elephants the father leaves to go use the restroom.

While the father is gone the little boy looks at his mom and asks, "What is that big long thing hanging down on the elephant?"

His mother replies, "Why that is the elephant's trunk."

"Not that thing momma. What is that other long thing hanging from the elephant?"

The mother, realizing that her son was talking about the elephant's penis responds with, "Oh, that is nothing dear."

About this time the father returns from the restroom and the wife asks to be excused so that they can go and grab a drink from the nearby consession stand. After the mother walks away the boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, what is that big long thing hanging down on that elephant?"

The father replies, "That's the elephant's trunk."

"No, not his trunk. I know that is his trunk. I asking about that other big long thing hanging down on the elephant."

"Oh, well that is the elephant's penis, son."

"Well how come when I ask you it's the penis but when I asked mom it was nothing?" the son asked.

The father reached down and put his hand on his son's shoulder, looked at his boy and said, "I've spoiled that woman."

One day two friends were sitting around talking. One friend was a wealthy businessman while the other was a poor blue collar worker. Both men sat and discussed their anniversaries and what they were each getting their wives.

"I got my wife a new BMW and a diamond tennis bracelet." stated the wealthy friend.

Amazed by such lavish gifts, the poor friend asked, "Why are you giving her two gifts?"

Calmly the rich friend replied, "This way if she doesn't like the bracelet she can drive herself down to the store to exchange it. Why? What are you getting for your wife?"

"Well, I've changed my mind and now I think I am going to get my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo." said the poor friend.

Perplexed by his friends comment, the wealthy man asked, "What made you decide to get your wife slippers and a dildo?"

The other man replied, "This way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

One day this older lady decided that she wanted some plastic surgery to make her look younger. She went to a plastic surgeon and paid him several thousand dollars and asked that he make her look young. After the surgery was done and she was all healed she went out to get some opinions from strangers to help her feel better about herself and to validate the money that she had spent.

As she walked down the street she saw a man sitting in a newspaper stand. "Hmm, let's see what he thinks." she thought to herself as she approached the stand.

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look to you?" she asked the guy.

The man looked her up and down and replied, "Why ma'am if I had to guess I would say that you were no older than 35 years old."

Pleased with this response the lady cracked a smile and said, "Why thank you sir. As a matter of fact I am 47 years old."

The lady continued down the road and decided to stop and grab a bite to eat at the local burger joint. When she got to the counter she asked the young boy at the register, "How old do I look to you son?"

The young boy stared at the woman for a minute and then said, "I would have to say that you are 29 years old."

The woman was very happy about this and she had a large smile on her face when she told the boy, "I am 47 years old and you have just made my day."

After eating she headed outside and to the bus stop. At the bus stop there sat an old gentleman. She sat down next to him and turned to him and asked, "Excuse me sir, would you look at me and tell me how old you think I am?"

The older fellow turned to her and said, "Over the years I have devised a method that lets me find the exact age of any woman."

A bit intrigued, the woman asks how can he do that.

"If I play with a woman's privates for 10 minutes I can tell you exactly how old they are. I have done it many times and I am never wrong."

The woman looked around and saw that nobody else was around and decided to go for...what could it hurt. She told the old man to try his method and let him slide his hand down her pants.

After about 10 minutes the old man removed his hand from the lady's pants and then looked at her and said, "You are exactly 47 years old."

Astonished, the woman immediately asked, "Dear God, how did you know that?"

The old man looked at the woman, smiled and replied, "Easy, I was in line behind you at the burger joint."